Sinful Regrets
- Brielle Wolfe
- Mar 29, 2021
- 9 min read
Updated: Aug 2, 2021
Have you ever messed up so bad to the point it haunts you, and no amount of good you do ever seems like it's enough to redeem yourself? Well, I certainly know that feeling. And unfortunately in my years as a teen and early young-adult life, I committed countless sins against the Lord, my God, that is. . . before I drew closer to Him and grew stronger in my faith. However, that's not to say I don't slip up from time to time. And even though I am a Christian woman who's stronger in my faith and striving my best to live as God has intended me to, I still sin. Thing is. . . I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone else to be either. The simple truth of the matter is, we all sin. And no, I'm not here to unload all of my past atrocities on you. Quite honestly, it's none of your business what sins I've committed in both my past or my present; my sins are between my God and me. But there is one that I will share with you, and it also happens to be my biggest regret. Know this, though; I only share this with you because I hope and pray that my past mistake will help those of you who have gone or are going through the same experience I have.
"So, what is my biggest regret?" you ask.
. . .
. . . .
. . . . .
I had an abortion.
. . . . .
. . . .
. . .
What I had done. . . well, it still haunts me to this day. Some of you may say or think I'm a monster, and how could I ever do this if I truly were a Christian. Well, I did back then and still to this day feel like a monster. Even after seven years have gone by, I feel like the worst kind of person to exist because of what I let happen.
"What you let happen?" you ask. "You don't let something like that just happen to you," you say.
And, you're right. But before you let the hate into your heart and call me all sorts of nasty names, do you think you could keep reading so I can tell you my story?
I was young, just a sophomore in college with my first campus apartment and a new relationship with a guy who was just a few years older than I was. We knew each other from growing up in the same town, and our families had also been friends. But when I had found myself pregnant, my first reaction was pure panic and thoughts of my parents going to kill or disown me. So, sitting on top of the toilet seat with the two pink little stripes staring back at me and trembling in my hand, I dialed his number and waited for him to pick up the call. I was dreading what his reaction would be once I would tell him the news. And after he picked up the phone and I delivered the announcement that he was a father-to-be, it wasn't much of a surprise to find him panicking on the other end of the line as well. And thus, our panicking brought about that awful, terrible idea that had crept inside our minds. 'Get an abortion.' We both had agreed to it, thinking it would be for the best. At least. . . that's what I thought at first.
After a week or two had gone by, I had time to calm down and think through the situation with a clear mind. And in that time, I had grown quite attached to my growing little peanut, thus changing my mind about the abortion; I didn't want to go through with it. So, I brought it up to him. But he dismissed my concerns and said it was time to move forward with making an appointment. He told me not to worry about the cost if that's what had me changing my mind because he would pay for it. And so, like a good little girlfriend, I considered his thoughts and reasonings. However, even doing so, my feelings and decision hadn't changed. I wanted us to keep our baby. So, I let a few days go by before bringing it up to him again, but still, he went on to say that the abortion option would be for the best. Then finally, the day had come.
March 29, 2014
The office was stark white with the smell of bleach in the air, and the seats were a hard plastic, the kind of chairs that make you uncomfortable when you sit in them for too long. I didn't want to be there. I knew waking up that morning; I didn't want to get up because I knew what the day would hold for me. But here we were, sitting in a row of grey plastic chairs and waiting for me to be called to the back. And as we waited, I decided to bring it up to him once more, "I don't want to do this. I've become really fond of and attached to our baby; it's my little peanut. I want us to keep the baby." But once more, he brought up all the reasons why we wouldn't be able to keep our baby. One being wrong timing, another being finances, and the other was just that he wasn't ready for parenthood quite yet.
I understood all this. . . it wasn't the ideal time to be pregnant, and especially this early in our relationship. Finances would be tight; we were both still in college after all. And I felt as if I was too young to be a mom. But despite all these reasons, I still wanted to keep my little peanut. But unsure of what to do and faced with the confusion of my conflicting emotions, I felt utterly useless and alone. So, there I sat, tears welling in the corners of my eyes as they began to spill over and run down my cheeks. I felt paralyzed like there was nothing I could do but listen to him. After all, he was older than me, so he knew better, right? And my parents. . . if they knew, they would be so disappointed. What if they decided to disown me? These were the thoughts going round and round in my head as the nurses up front called my name.
And then it came to that time. . .
As they sucked my baby out of me, I wailed with a face full of tears streaming down my face. The nurses attempted to comfort me with sweet words as they held me down. But all the while, my mind was screaming, "STOP! Please, stop! Don't take my baby! Please, don't take my baby!" Finally, with sickly sweet smiles on their faces, the nurses let go of me and said it was all done. A hatred so dark and full of malice raged inside of my entire being, and I directed it all at me. I began to hate myself even more so than I had ever hated myself before.
But with the help of God and a few others, I was able to work some things out, and I no longer hate myself. Instead, I was able to learn to love myself and the person I am today. I may not still be perfect, but even so, I have worth, value, purpose, and many great qualities unique to me. Because God was still able to love me, even though I had sinned against Him on more than one account, I was able to find the good that God saw within me, and so, I began to focus on that good while doing my part to improve myself day by day.
Romans8:38
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of Hell can separate us from God's love."
However, there are still parts that I hate.
I hate that day and every single March 29th that has followed since then.
I hate that I didn't walk out of that office with my unborn child and hailed a cab back home.
I hate that I let it happen to my baby and me.
I hate how I felt so alone and scared.
I hate how I was treated as if what I felt and wanted, along with the life of my baby, didn't even matter.
I hate how the nurses had smiled at me as they took my baby's life.
But most of all, I hate how I hadn't had enough faith and trust in God at that point in my life and instead had let someone else pressure me into doing something I hadn't wanted to do.
And worst of all, I can't take any of it back. . .
As I mentioned before, my huge mistake still haunts me to this day, and even now I'm still learning how to cope and deal with the leftover trauma it's caused me.
Do I even deserve to be a mom again?
I'm a monster, the worst kind of person to exist.
How could I have let that happen and to my own child?
I'm not worthy of being a mom again.
If I were to get pregnant again, would I even deserve the love of this new child?
Is it even possible to be forgiven for such a sin as this?
What would my new child think of me if I were to tell them about the story of why their older sibling went to Heaven?
Do I even deserve to be a part of a family?
Let me tell you; it's been a difficult road for me to get to the person I've become today. I still made plenty of mistakes after this had happened, too, because I was lost. But fortunately, God found me. He welcomed me with open and loving arms and brought me back to the light. About two to three years ago, I grew stronger in my faith, and ever since, the old me has died, and the new me was born.
2Corinthians5:17
"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"
I still make mistakes and slip up here and there, but instead of feeling lost and alone, I turn to God and know that He is always here for me, showing me mercy, compassion, and love as he reminds me each day is a new day. And to try and be better than you were the day before!
Daniel9:9
"But the Lord, our God, is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against Him."
So, please, learn from my mistake as I have learned from it. Value all life, trust and have faith in the Lord, forgive as God has forgiven you, do not let fear or anger overcome you, and love deeply. And remember, God wouldn't let things happen unless He had a purpose for it. I truly hope this helps!
P.S.
If you're going through something like this or know someone thinking of abortion, I pray that you listen and take heed of my advice.
It's not worth it! Please talk to someone, a trusted family member, a member of your church or pastor, a close friend who understands the value of life, or even feel free to reach out to me. Just know that you're not in this alone! And if the guy you're with is pressing you to go through an abortion, drop him. Drop him immediately! If he's willing to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, then it is clear he does not care for you or your baby. Instead, turn to God and those who really love you and care for both you and your baby's best interests.
And for the record, once my relationship ended with that guy, I finally confessed to my parents what happened. And I honestly wished I had done so sooner before my baby was taken away from me because I discovered my parents would have been there for me. They would have helped support both me and my baby.
So, parents, this part is for you. Please make sure your children can come to you without fear of punishment or abandonment; it could literally save a life, specifically your grandchild's.
Proverbs3:5
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."
Luke12:29-31
"And don't be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don't worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need."
Philippians4:6-7
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Isaiah41:10
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
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